Build Your Own Western Movie Cast

Ready to play a western movie-making game?  Rev up your imagination and picture this:

You are now possessed of a massive budget, a rollicking script for a western, a great director... and a time machine to help you assemble your cast from the finest western stars of the past one hundred years. 

The only catch is, your cast is going to be determined by some fairly random aspects of your life.  This should result (I hope) in a truly unique cast, the likes of which has never before graced the silver screen.  Just follow the directions to gather your stars, then let us know your spectacular cast lineup in the comments!

Ready?  Let's do it!

Lead Actor

The second letter of your middle name determines who gets to play the main male character in your movie, as follows:

A/B/C = Clint Eastwood

D/E/F = Denzel Washington

G/H/I = Glenn Ford

J/K/L = John Wayne

M/N/O = Matt Damon

P/Q/R = Sidney Poitier

S/T/U = Steve McQueen

V/W/X/Y/Z = Val Kilmer

Lead Actress

The main female character in your movie is determined by what you're wearing on your feet right now:

Socks only = Doris Day

Slippers = Zendaya

Sneakers/tennis shoes = Nicole Kidman

Sandals = Penelope Cruz

High heels = Olivia de Havilland

Boots = Maureen O'Hara

Bare feet = Scarlett Johansson

Other = Barbara Stanwyck

Hero's Sidekick

Your hero needs a sidekick, right?  The first letter of the street you live on decides who helps your hero out of any messes or jams he might find himself in:

A/B/C = Charles Bronson

D/E/F = Sam Elliott

G/H/I = Danny Glover

J/K/L = Diego Luna

M/N/O = Lee Majors

P/Q/R = Bill Pullman

S/T/U = Jay Silverheels

V/W/X/Y/Z = Patrick Wilson

Heroine's Best Friend

Even the strongest female character needs friends.  Find out who plays your heroine's gal pal based on the last thing you had to drink (or what you're currently drinking):

Water = Gina Carano

Milk = Debbie Reynolds

Coffee = Shelley Winters

Tea = Selma Hayek

Soda = Angie Dickinson

Juice = Hailee Steinfeld

Alcohol = Claire Trevor

Other = Mary-Louise Parker

Comic Relief

Every movie needs a laugh here and there.  The genre of the last movie you watched determines who will bring the chuckles to your film:

Action = Jackie Chan

Comedy = Steve Martin

Drama = Walter Brennan

Family film = Don Knotts

Musical = Bill Murray

Rom-com = Owen Wilson

Sci-fi = Slim Pickens

Western = George "Gabby" Hayes

Villain

Who's making trouble for your hero and heroine?  The first pet you ever had decides your villain:

Cat = Tommy Lee Jones

Dog = Lee Marvin

Fish = Cate Blanchett

Bird = Marlene Dietrich

Reptile = Lee Van Cleef

Rodent = Gene Hackman

Horse = Alan Rickman

Other = Robert Ryan

(If you have never had a pet, choose the animal you really wanted to have as a pet when you were a little kid.)

And there you have it!  Just add those all together to create the cast of your blockbuster western.  If you want to, you can make up a little story to go with it, but you don't have to -- you can just comment with the names of your stars and what their roles will be.

Here's mine:

Hero: Val Kilmer

Sidekick: Charles Bronson

Heroine: Scarlett Johannson

Gal Pal: Angie Dickinson

Comic Relief: Steve Martin

Villain: Tommy Lee Jones

My hero (Val Kilmer) and heroine (Scarlett Johansson) arrive in town at the same time, one on a horse and the other on the train.  He and a pal (Charles Bronson) are just drifting through, looking for work.  She's coming home, her best friend (Angie Dickinson) in tow, to take over running her father's mercantile.  He died last month, shot in the back and dumped in an alley, and the only person in town who will tell her anything about the night he died is the town drunk (Steve Martin), who talks only as long as you keep plying him with beer and peanuts.  And those peanuts had better be plenty salty.  The town sheriff has left for parts unknown, and the two drifting friends are only convinced to replace him when the heroine and her best friend ask them really, really nicely.  

Everyone is suspicious of the man (Tommy Lee Jones) who owns both saloons and the dry goods store, and who keeps trying to scare the heroine into selling him her store and leaving town too.  Of course, he turns out to be a not-so-retired outlaw bent on making the town into a new hideout for bad guys and stolen goods.  

The hero and the villain end up in a shoot-out that ranges all over town, then onto a train just leaving the station, and only ends when they both run out of bullets and the hero punches the villain so hard, he falls off the train and dies.  The hero climbs back down onto the train, and when the conductor asks to see his ticket, he says he won't be riding long enough to need one.  His best friend rides up alongside the train leading a spare horse, the hero jumps off the train onto his horse, and they both head back to town.  The End!

Now it's your turn!