Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Hamlette's Guide to Surviving Spider Attacks

Spiders are everywhere! Yesterday alone they attacked me three times. It is important to remain constantly alert, so as to avoid being caught unawares by their fiendishly sneaky onslaughts. Routinely inspect all suspicious markings on the walls and ceiling of your home to ascertain whether they are new enemies or simply the remains of eliminated attackers.

In the event of a Spider Attack, follow these simple steps:

1. Sound the Spider Alarm. Simply open your mouth and emit a loud naaarg naaarg naaarg noise.
2. Step a safe distance away from the spider (about 5 feet).
3. Point to the attacker while continuing to emit the Spider Alarm.
4. If the spider is above you, cover your head with one arm.
5. Wait for Cowboy to come dispose of the spider.

Of course, you don't have access to Cowboy, so you'll have to find someone else to eliminate the threat. But the steps remain effective, regardless of the name of the Spider Squasher.

3 comments:

  1. Simply open your mouth and emit a loud naaarg naaarg naaarg noise.
    -
    ::opens mouth and emits loud haw haw haw noise::

    Yesterday alone they attacked me three times.
    .
    Are you sure your spider alarm isn't just set too sensitive like one of those car alarms that goes off at midnight?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Too sensitive like my door ajar sensor?!!!

    STOP THE DINGING!

    Our van is THIS close to getting it's dashboard ripped open!
    I hate cars.

    ReplyDelete
  3. In our car, it's the "key-in-ignition" sensor that's out of whack and makes a wretched dink-dink dink-dink dink-dink...

    ReplyDelete

Agree or disagree? That is the question...

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