Hamlette's Guide to Surviving Spider Attacks
Spiders are everywhere! Yesterday alone they attacked me three times. It is important to remain constantly alert, so as to avoid being caught unawares by their fiendishly sneaky onslaughts. Routinely inspect all suspicious markings on the walls and ceiling of your home to ascertain whether they are new enemies or simply the remains of eliminated attackers.
In the event of a Spider Attack, follow these simple steps:
1. Sound the Spider Alarm. Simply open your mouth and emit a loud naaarg naaarg naaarg noise.
2. Step a safe distance away from the spider (about 5 feet).
3. Point to the attacker while continuing to emit the Spider Alarm.
4. If the spider is above you, cover your head with one arm.
5. Wait for Cowboy to come dispose of the spider.
Of course, you don't have access to Cowboy, so you'll have to find someone else to eliminate the threat. But the steps remain effective, regardless of the name of the Spider Squasher.